Thursday, May 26, 2005
the second hell.

Yesterday was probably the most miserable day in my life. the MOST demoralising, distressing, horrible, sad sad sad day in my whole entire life. because there was GB.
But then why isn't EVERY GB day the most miserable day in my life? of course DUH every GB session is really tormenting but yesterday was the final straw. I'm not quite sure why... But everything that happened at GB yesterday seemed to replay ceaselessly in my mind, like some tape player. HORRIBLE...
It was after school and I was dreading GB more and more each minute passed. After taking my lunch, I stormed into the classroom where Deb, nads, jenny, liyana, diyanah and dee were doing Service Learning. this is the scenario.
Me:Oh my bloody shucks. I have to go for that revolting GB photo-taking... honestly lah it sucks to the core lah.
Nads:yeah i so agree man! gb sucks coz it's not NCC.
Me: (pissed off and stares helplessly at liangzi.) And I have to go to the world's suckiest CCA in the world's suckiest uniform. (turns to look at liangzi) Believe me, I look like a complete fool in the uniform. you just wait and see.
TOOT. I grabbed my crumpled uniform and went to the toilet. DOUBLE TOOT. sujin and mich (frm GB) were in the toilet. anyway i bitched about gb in the nicest way i could so i wouldnt offend them. Especially sujin, but she's used to my daily bitching. sujin is something like the most loyal to GB. it's pissing for me to see someone so loyal to GB, and it's infuriating for her to see me plotting schemes that show my disloyalty to GB. and for bitching about every little detail about it every day, when i have the chance. I refused to look at myself in the mirror when I'd changed, and dashed back to class, hoping that NO ONE would see me in the revolting and embarrassing suit. I stormed back to class again, and let yunxi fuss over my uniform. She and sujin were going, "WHAT?! you didnt bring your boots?" or "WHAT you don't know how to wear the uniform?" and finally, "WHAT?!!!! YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR TIE?" and my answer would always be the same. "I don't know and I don't care." short and sweet. Funny how unloyal i can be towards a CCA, especially when I was Red Swastika School's most ENTHUSIASTIC and DEDICATED member in my CCA. well, that's different, since it's a music CCA, all the more I should be loyal to it.
But GB? MY FOOT. i shall never be loyal to it. i want to be loyal to God but i never want to be loyal to such a cca like GB. So I didn't bring my tie; yunxi and sujin were scandalised. I grinned stupidly and told the coolly for the umpteenth time that i didn't care one bit. But when it was time to go for the stupid photo taking, I don't know what got into me, but I was so upset that i actually HUGGED dee and jenny. and i felt like crying but i decided not to. it was not the time. Met sally wong on the way. i explained that someone had stolen my tie and sallywong told me to change into my RGS sch uniform instead. I was kind of happy coz i didn't have to parade around in a goofy uniform. I changed and went out to the foyer to meet the GB people. I told the teachers that I didn't want to take a photograph, but they insisted that I take with the whole company, although my pinafore would definitely stand out in the picture. Grumpily I dragged myself to the foyer and took the photo. But i didn't smile, i forced a very slanted and unhappy-looking smile. For the informal shots, i pulled a super long face. huh. i wished i were never there.
Then I returned to class to put back my bottle and GB cap, which i was clenching tightly in my fists. i was super angry. dunno why. just felt pissed and angry. The moment i got back to class, i threw the cap onto the ground and stepped over it hatefully. Then leaving it on the floor, i gulped down some water and went for SQUAD MEETING. oh no.
The squads assembled in the shared classroom first. I watched everyone sadly and was slumped against the table. I received the GB Camp consent form. I wanted to curse so badly but instead i said oh my frickin ha. self control, self control... I felt like shredding the consent form and throw it into the dustbin. Then my squad left for a meeting in the canteen. -_- i met irmelia on the way and I looked so miserable when i told her I was pissed. because of CCA. We both did the Liangzi Handsign, which was a little comforting, and i went off with the rest. At the canteen, I spotted liangzi having lunch at the other side of the canteen. I was so comforted by her appearance that i called out to her and she waved at me... :) It felt a little comforting with her around but when she left, it was back to being sad... It's not like i don't try to make GB seem fun and enjoyable. I tried. but i can't. I feel like a traitor to Chinese Orchestra and all the music CCAs in the world when i enjoy GB. I feel like a traitor towards Guzheng too. it's a natural feeling if you're a die-hard music CCA enthusiast.
And during the meeting... I stared at everyone. their faces. their look of satisfaction. their enjoyment. they enjoy GB. and me? distaste... contempt... everything just went into my head and before i knew it i was actually CRYING. oh my gawsh. i cried. something i havent done for some time. but fortunately no one noticed. but the tears were rolling fast and they were... tears... that should have been shed long ago, tears that should have been shed every GB session... tears of hate and anger and misery and contempt. all these feelings mixed together to form a mental breakdown at that moment. I've given GB too many chances. and this is the final straw. Tomorrow i'm gonna find MR LOh and gillian from CO and beg them to let me join. yes i will beg them, even if it means that i'll have to go down on my knees. Anything to get music back.
.......
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that's it. i've had enough.