Monday, May 16, 2005
words that sting. hard.

I got a Gold for PFT this time. I am currently rejoicing and driving my mom crazy. speaking of mom. Sometimes, or rather, most of the time, the best advice comes from experienced adults. Just like mom... And sometimes, the words they say... the advice given.... it really stings. It stings into you, the pain coursing through your body as if it were a drug.
Why? Why do things have to be this way? Sometimes I just want to blow. There are two main things that bother me: 1) my CCA. 2) my abilities.
I've never thought of my abilities from this perspective before. I was feeling rather pissed off by some MEP business today and stormed into the room grumbling. I knew from the start that I should never have done that. Mom and I had a heart-to-heart talk about music, and we eventually digressed into the topic of my abilities. The talents I possess. From young, I've never seen myself as a really talented person other than the fact that I read aloud a wordy story book when I was two. Probably it's the feeling of being in RGS. Everyone in MEP seems to be doing better than me; they all seem so gifted and musically inclined. Honestly... i feel small in MEP. But then again, another side of me tells me not to feel that way, since everyone is blessed with different talents... I explained that I'm a sort of rigid person when it comes to music. I love to master a few pieces over a few months before starting on any new ones.
"Well, a good musician is always capable of playing ANY song. They are flexible, they don't just stick with classical music," replied mom.
That string of words really stung me hard. My heart sank so deep into my body, as though it had sunk right into my stomach. This was, indeed, a fact. And also mom's favourite piece of advice.
WHY?! I questioned myself silently, hoping to dig out some answers from myself. What mom said was right. I didn't actually play hymns often, and I hardly touched that awful Richard Clayderman book which lay dust-covered in my shelf. Since I started learning piano when I was four, I stuck to this strong belief that CLASSICAL music comes first. I put it as my top priority on the "songs to practice" list. My ex piano teacher totally agreed with my belief too. Naturally I'm really obsessed with playing classical music. To me, other contemporary songs lacked style; they were too simple, because of the awkward absence of more difficult and challenging ornaments, arppegios and other rhythmic features. Hymns? I was introduced to hymns two years ago. I feel kind of guilty about the hymn part. True, I don't play hymns very often. I sink into the depths of classical music, oblivious to any other existing forms of music in the world. This is my greatest weakness in music. I am NOT flexible enough. Once a month I play the only contemporary song which I play willingly and happily- Yu Jian by stefanie sun... it IS a wonderful song, by the way... As for the hymns... I'll have to work on that.
"You don't play by hearing. Look at *** ****, **** and sister ***** (they're ppl frm my church). Why is it that they can play by hearing and you can't? **** can play by HEARING and she reads scores well too..."
Another horrible string of words that don't sting, they BITE. The sharp fangs and talons of these words pierced through my skin. they pierced through my bones. worst of all, they ripped my heart apart. Demoralising. This is another of my weakness, a weakness which many people possess too. I can't fully accept that there are people YOUNGER than me who are actually millions of times more talented than me. I can't whole-heartedly agree that **** who is much younger than me, can play by hearing AND read scores (which is what I am totally good at).
What the heck is my problem? My mom doesn't know my side of the story. I do play by hearing. It's just that I prefer to do it alone. I like to be solitary sometimes. You'd get used to it if you've been an only child for 13 years. Hmmmmm. Before I got the Yu Jian score (which is not ORIGINAL!), I used to make out all the chords and everything. Yu Jian is actually in A flat major, but the unoriginal score which i own is in G major. BLEH. So I had to transpose the whole thing up to A flat major by sight. I could go on and on and on with the songs i've played by hearing but that isn't really my point. I think I am a little too self-conscious when I play by hearing, and, in fear that I get a note wrong, I refuse to play with anyone around. Of course, that does not happen when I practise from scores. Yeah.
On the brighter side of things, I'm going to work on my talents- Science and English. and of course, music. But English is still my ultimate talent. English. You can't mug like mad for English, like committing all the Grammar and Vocabulary rules and good composition phrases to memory. The skills of using good English come naturally, when you learn by reading and inquiring when in doubt about anything. Exposure is also essential because if you're not given good exposure to speaking good english, you'll be at a disadvantage. Honestly... i'm not bragging or anything, but I've never had many english assessment books in my life. Usually I end up buying one at the beginning of the year and never get it done by the end of the year. hahaha.... For me, I just read and read and read and read and read... i love reading. muacks. I wish I could say the same for chinese, though. You don't want to hear about my sucky chinese. hee hee hee.
Science. For this one I mug and try to understand as much as possible. woohooo. I'm at a slight advantage coz mom's a super-duper science teacher. =D like mother, like daughter. okay just kidding.
..........
Watch out people. This octopus here is going to mug like siao. AAARGHH! I'm going to improve on my academic results and also my music. And at the end of the year, we'll see the results.
I may be quirky and delirious most of the time, but inside... is a web of more tangled complex feelings that are difficult to describe.
.......
but all the talents i possess... all the success.... the credit goes to God.